TommyD's World....

Here are just some Jokes I find funny.  I will keep adding more jokes when I run across some more.

They recently invented the breakfast hot pocket, FINALLY. I can’t think of a better way to start the day; Good morning... you’re about to call in sick. Now I can have a Hot Pocket for breakfast, a Hot Pocket for lunch, and be DEAD by dinner. (whisper) Dead Pocket.

Pie can’t compete with cake. Put candles in a cake, it’s a birthday cake. Put candles in a pie, and somebody’s drunk in the kitchen.

I come from a very big family, nine parents.

What was the idea behind Hot Pockets? Was there a marketing meeting somewhere, “Hey I got an idea: How about we take a Pop-Tart and fill it with really nasty meat? You could cook it in a sleeve thing, dunk it in a toilet.”

Who came up with the robe? Was some guy just like, 'Hey, I've got an idea! Why don't we make a coat out of a towel? You can have a little belt that goes around. You could dunk the belt in the toilet! Have a toilet belt.

There is the vegetarian Hot Pocket for those of us who don't want to eat meat, but would still like diarrhea.

Lean Pockets, I don't even wanna know what's in those. I wonder what the directions are on a box of Lean Pockets: 'Remove from box, place directly in toilet.' Flush Pocket!

I was watching the animal planet, did you know that the male seahorse has the baby? Why don't they just call that one the female.

      “I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you’re really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you put on flipflops, you’re saying: ‘Hope I don’t get chased today.’ ‘Be nice to people in sneakers.’”   
                                                                                
“‘Sort of’ is such a harmless thing to say. Sort of. It’s just a filler. Sort of - it doesn’t really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like after ‘I love you’ or ‘You’re going to live’ or ‘It’s a boy.’”"I was in a store and I saw a pocket dictionary and that made me laugh because it’s such…a specific item. I don’t know that many words and I’m going out…and I have pants. Perfect!”

“I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just mailed you an apple you’d be like ‘Huh? What the hell is this?’, but if it’s in a fruit basket you’re like ‘This is nice!.’”

“I like clothes, you know. I dig fabrics. One of my favorite clothing patterns is camouflage. Because when you’re in the woods it makes you blend in. But when you’re not it does just the opposite. It’s like, ‘Hey, there’s an asshole.’ But when you’re in the woods you’re like, ‘Is there an asshole out here?’ They look like trees.”

I love women, but I feel like you can’t trust some of them. Some of them are liars, you know? Like I was in the park and I met this girl, she was cute and she had a dog. And I went up to her, we started talking. She told me her dog’s name. Then Í said, “Does he bite?”. She said “No.” And I said, “Oh yeah? Then how does he eat? … Liar.”

I was on the street. This guy waved to me, and he came up to me and said, “I’m sorry, I thought you were someone else.” And I said, “I am.”

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him. . . is he still wrong? (yes)

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, you'd better do it in English.

My heroes are John Wayne, the Simpsons, and whoever canceled Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman. 

A lot of times when they catch a guy who killed twenty-seven people, they say, "He was a loner." Well, of course he was a loner; he killed everyone he came in contact with.

Some people see things that are and ask, Why?
Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not?
Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that shit.

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.

 

 

A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. You know a cow was murdered for that jacket'? She sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too!"

I'm still trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is.

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

 

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
...George W. Bush

"Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child."
...Governor George W. Bush

"Mars is essentially in the same orbit...Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe."
...Governor George W. Bush, 8/11/94

"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future."
...Governor George W. Bush

"We're going to have the best educated American people in the world."
...Governor George W. Bush 9/21/97

"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."
...Governor George W. Bush to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/93

"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."
...Governor George W. Bush

"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
...Governor George W. Bush 9/22/97

"For NASA, space is still a high priority."
...Governor George W. Bush, 9/5/93

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
...Governor George W. Bush